What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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