just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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