Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
