she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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