i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
