What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
