I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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