your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
