two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
