..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
