i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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