My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
