she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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