I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
