She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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