i was born a porn star she said
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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