He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
