we have pet lesbian snakes
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I party with great urgency now.
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