I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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