Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
