If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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