Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
