well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
