Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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