Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
