Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
