Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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