Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
