When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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