we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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