She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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