saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
