Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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