i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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