Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
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