we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
