Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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