i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
