I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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