just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize