he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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