Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
