My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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