I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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