I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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