It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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