i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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