Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
