they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
