I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
